Pompadoured

In the sleepy Texas town of Houston, Texas, people make sugar cookies. They use sugar and other cookie making ingredients to make these cookies, which are often baked in an oven.

It’s hard not to like sugar cookies. They are made of sugar, and they’re cookies.

Sugar cookies are a tradition, like pumpkins and other stuff. They’re a food, and you eat them.

In the traditional sleepy Texas town of Houston, Texas, people just love their sugar cookies. Says Bob Marchamp, a long time resident of Houston, Texas, “cookies are what food is all about.”

It’s hard not to agree. For a long time people have been eating sugar cookies. It seems like sugar cookies are where food really shines.

10. McRib – Did not eat the McRib, but I heard it was back. Saw a commercial for the McRib that presented a scenario that demeaned the preciousness of human life. Would likely eat one if it was placed in front of me.

9. Working Out – I started working out again at the end of the year. Seems like 2011 was the year where everyone worked out. I don’t have any more anecdotes to back this claim up. Working out feels great, and if you haven’t done it before, I suggest you do. Number nine in this list.

8. Facebook – I don’t like Facebook. I generally spend around 30 minutes on Facebook every day. It seems like if I hate something so much, but also am uncontrollably drawn to it, that it’s a “thing” for that year. When I use Facebook, I get reminded of all of these people I know that, without Facebook, I would be happily unconcerned about. Instead I get to see where they went on vacation. And look at all of their profile photos. And see how dumb their husbands look.

7. Water – Seems like water was a big deal this year. I drank a lot of water. I went swimming some during the summer months. My wife used water to cook spaghetti a bunch, and the spaghetti was delicious. In at number seven is “water.”

6. New Toaster – In case you haven’t heard, I got a new toaster. It does four slices of toast at once, and has electronic controls for everything. It’s pretty great.

5. Kids – Seems like everyone had kids this year. In case you haven’t heard, I know all about children. They love all sorts of shit and are a fuckin’ laugh riot. You just laugh all the time with kids. It’s great. Number five in my top ten list.

4. Carbonated Water – When you carbonate water, something magical happens. It gets carbonated like Sprite. Carbonated water is great because, like Sprite, it’s fizzy. I love it. Number four in my top ten list.

3. Buying Stuff – I buy a lot of stuff all the time. Seems like other people also buy stuff. It feels shitty, but part of life on Earth. Like, buy a new dishwasher, also, Jesus loves you! New sweater, Grace of God! Bless you!

2. Cats – Why do people like cats. Bleccccch. It’s like, get a dog bro. Dogs are like cool tractors. Cats are like hard, shitty spaghetti. All I got to say about that. Coming in at number two in my top ten list is “cats.”

1. Cocaine – Discovered this year that every list should end with “cocaine.” 2012 coming like a fast, cool, good-looking train, y’all!

When I get a bill, I put it in a stack. The bills I do not look at for one or two weeks. Things that are not bills are usually advertisements from American Express or a restaurant or American Express advertising a restaurant. Occasionally there will be mail for the lady who used to live here. I will wait a week and then write “RETURN TO SENDER” in black pen, on the front. I learned this from an Elvis song.

Occasionally, there will be actual mail from real, actual people I know. This is usually a thank you card from my mother, who is very considerate, or an invitation to somebody’s 30th/40th birthday party, or a wedding invitation. I usually save these pieces of mail because they retain some sentimental value for a few months. I feel guilty when I throw them out.

When I get a package, I open it immediately. Packages that are cardboard boxes get open, broken down with a box cutter, and taken out to the recycling area of our trash. I feel good about the amount of cardboard recycling we do. We have much more recycling than our neighbors every two weeks, and I often think that they must feel like the world is filling up with trash around them and that they alone are causing global warming. I picture our neighbors killing babies, eating dog, and pouring their oil into a lake.

Packages that are not boxes get thrown away in the regular trash. I feel extreme guilt about my level of waste, which I consider severe. I have two children in diapers and a terrible addiction to consumer electronics. I understand that humanity cannot last forever, and that the act of being born, in essence, both propagates and destroys our species. I have been battling depression.

To summarize, the mail is okay. I consider it necessary, mainly because I have Amazon Prime. When I order diapers and electronics, I want to do it in the shame of my own home. I am the sum of what I order on the internet. Sometimes the mail reminds me of that.

My children will never be able to smoke in strip clubs, over a plate of steak and a beer. They’ll never be able to see a woman’s ass bounce on the ground while pushing smoke away from their faces. What is it people fight for?

I sat on my couch for freedom. I ate a pizza for freedom. Later, I made a cocktail for freedom, and sat in my backyard. I’ve seen severed heads on television, and I didn’t look away.

Sometimes I picture myself with a gun killing another, unknown, person. I can rape and torture with the rapers and torturers. Give me the circumstance, and I am confident of my reactions. They are weak in an animalistic sense, but they are not, as far as I know, any different than the reactions of many people.

It is an incredible thing that my life is not that circumstance, and I get to exist in a time of general peace. I exist to have a wife and children. I exist to wake up and look at my phone in bed, tabbing through news and eventually moving into the bathroom and then into the nursery to hold my two small children.

Our bodies are sculpted by murders and rapes that have already occurred, my ancestors killing and being killed. My German ancestors killing my English ancestors, raping and giving birth and becoming me, in front of a computer and listening to music about drugs and dancing.

Centuries later, I shop for ceiling fans on the internet. For freedom.

I ram toothpaste into a mouth. I rub lotion on a body. I push the body into a bed, and the body moves. It’s dark. Over us, the sounds of a dishwasher and a television clicking on and then off again. I read a book out loud. The next day I will cut down a tree and the branches will fall on a charcoal grill.

The book is short and I read it out loud. There is a mosquito, and it is flying. I notice that I have thumbs. My wife has legs, and I think about her having legs. I picture a Ford Mustang. Our planet is full of assholes.

When our feet are in sand, it’s bright. The ocean holds a boat. I picture a Ford Mustang on the beach, driving fast, maybe even driving on the ocean. I order food and a piña colada. A seagull is flying. I’m on my back and eating crab.

I’m watering our lawn. I’m wearing a robe and looking at the park across the street. I’m inside and listening to a song about murder. I own an XBox 360 and I picture my XBox 360 living forever, its hair waving behind it. I rub my hand magically over our dog, and our dog moves closer. Over time I grow older. I watch my body move.

Sometimes, I move the sharp edge of a knife over my skin and pull the dead skin onto the blade. I’ll rename all of the illegal files I have downloaded into a naming scheme I can manage. I recycle cans and paper.

Reorganized my desk so that there is much less on it. Moved a lot of things out of the cubby holes and onto other places, and into drawers, and just away.

I put my design books in a milk crate above the milk crate that holds my records. The milk crate at the top sags in the middle, forcing the milk crate at the bottom to sag at the top.

Last night I drank wine out of a can and sat in a chair while looking at my pants. At dinner, I was light headed. I had dessert. Over time, I hope to become a more responsible human being.

My throat hurts, and I’m crunched over my desk typing this. I hear a leaf blower. I rub my hands on my face and think about credit cards. I’m busy being unique and special, watching myself grow into a precious person. I’m creative and own Apple products.

Ate a beet salad 12 hours ago. Will probably make the bed in a few minutes. Heated up some frozen waffles for my son, and watched children’s programming.

The back of Pearl's head.

I drank six or seven beers while on antibiotics, at the pizza parlor. My strep relapsed and I took a nap on Saturday.

I played with my son and threw a ball at him. People came over late at night and I read the new Raymond Carver biography. I got a small radio for our room that has an iPod dock and I listen to FM radio on it. The dock is hidden, and then it appears when you press a button. The radio is red.

We ordered food from a new Chinese food place last night, and it was acceptable. This morning I ate cold fried asparagus and felt okay about it.

This morning I put on a flannel shirt instead of turning the air conditioning down, but it’s okay because we’ve started shopping a Whole Foods again. I want to rub dirt all over my naked body and run through a busy movie theatre.

I’m switching 100% from Pepsi Max to Zevia. Dr. Zevia is a major accomplishment in the carbonated beverage industry.

I bought a design book highlighting the Metal logos of a single man. I look at receipts like they have some sort of value, even after eating, and feel like I should make a scrapbook.

I watched a majority of Tango & Cash last night. I washed the dog.

AMP gum is fucking nasty. I keep chewing it because I feel like it’d be wasteful to throw it away.

Switch between computers often now (old Shuttle with Windows 7 & Macbook Pro). Dropbox has been turning me into a better person, on the inside.

I’ve been making an effort to read more often. I feel intense guilt every time I look at the stack of books behind my bed. Feel like 9/11 was my fault.

I think there’s some strawberry jam residue on the roly mat under my yoga ball/desk chair. My shoe keeps feeling sticky.

I sometimes stare at the local news. I’ll watch it when I’m feeding Pearl. It’s news. Sometimes people are dead or outraged. I’m feeding a baby. I rarely leave my house.

Sometimes I ride my bike to Walgreens. I sit in front of my computer and move my mouse and keyboard. Something somewhere explodes.

Somebody will give an opinion, and then somebody else will give an opinion. I’ll make a peanut butter and jelly foldover. It gets dark and my wife washes the children. News people report the news. I’ll drink a beer.

I will remember things I’ve forgotten, and be worried that we won’t have enough money to exist. I’ll make a document on my computer and stare at it. A newscaster will say what other people have done. There’s a fire somewhere. Guns, everywhere, and I’m eating an orange.

The news exists. I’ll watch it, and likely not process the terrible things that have happened. Afterwards, I will watch a movie or pee or something. I’ll stare at my phone for thirty minutes and then go to sleep.

A Picture of The Bedroom Fan (Royal Morgan, 2010)

Yesterday, I cooked steaks. Earlier in the day I went to the park. I ate a veggie burger near the sailboat pond. I sat with my daughter on the grass.

I watched the Maurice Sendak documentary thing that Spike Jonze did. I really liked it. Maurice is funny, obsessed with death, and comes-off as a really genuine and honest person.

I drank a Vitamin Water at the park. I also read the responses to this post. Discovery Green is a nice park with tall buildings all around it, all looking down on this little park full of children and people having a nice time. I wore my shoes the whole time. A group of women next to me said “Obamanation” many times, while putting clothes on their children and laughing. I walked around a building with Royal, and pointed to some bikes.

There’s a problem with my cuticles again. I’m afraid to think I need a manicure or pedicure. My fingers are ugly.

I’m staring at some AMP gum on my desk. Recently changed the photo on my desktop to a photo of my daughter. Want to play with Legos. My office is hot and I’m heavily addicted to caffeine.

In the picture above, Royal grabbed my phone, yelling “fan” and squealing while he took pictures of the fan.

Chose this image over a Lil' Wayne album cover.

I’ve rebirthed my blog. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’ll probably just post pictures of my children and recap my trips to the grocery store to buy formula and diapers.

I’ve added some new features.

Go here if you want to see a chronological list of posts that relate to important events in my life.

Go here to read posts from a secret blog that I kept for a couple of months last year. I will likely continue writing posts in this style.

Go here for the old Pompadoured posts, which I can no longer read without feeling gross inside.

I am excited about having my blog back. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m sure that you’ll once again feel pressured into reading whatever it is. Good for me!

I colored-coded all of the leftover wires from electronics and put them into a box.

I woke up early this morning and looked at design blogs. I feel like I just stare at the websites and do nothing. I feel less than passive about all of my information.

There is a tennis ball on my desk that I sometimes want to clench, but clenching never feels as good as throwing the tennis ball.

We have a problem with WIFI reception in the bedroom.

I repeat things a lot. I feel comfortable becoming the same phrase, and maybe reconfiguring it, and then repeating it. In my head I do this, I think of different ways to say things, unexceptional things. When a song comes on the radio, my first instinct is to change the lyrics and make it dirtier.

Overall, robes are comfortable. I have an oversized robe made for a really fat person.

Not ever sure if I drink enough water. Confused about my ability to have dreams anymore. Sometimes I have dreams, and I’m not sure about their consitancy.

I have a picture of dinosaurs at a birthday party next to my desk.

No caffiene after 2pm, anymore.

The trash cans were left turned over in a pool of streetwater. I need to bring the powerwasher out of retirement to clean the the big trashcan. Overall, the big trashcan is disgusting.

When it gets cold and my skin is dry, my hands start to itch at the tips. I wore shorts on our nighttime walk.

When I walk out of our house, towards the area with shops and restaurants, I walk past a very nice restaurant with very big windows. Yesterday, I was wearing shorts and high-top neon basketball shoes. I feel great walking by the very nice restaurant wearing ridiculous clothes.

It feels like I could swim in a pool not too long ago, and that the window of pool swimming was very short this year. The cheffelera is shedding at an incredible rate.

Don’t think I have enough sand in my life.

Didn’t drink soda this weekend. Eat a lot of seafood, because I’m not at a point in my life where I can feel sympathy for fish.

Had an hour nap yesterday. Washed the babies by myself. Had ice cream for dinner.

I don’t read much anymore, because it has become too painful. I read and I critique and that is all. I would rather spend time with my children or outside riding my bike or gardening than reading. I have enough emotional material and living to generate a range of responses in my writing. I do not see what I do as the culmination of what other people are doing.

I often feel my body deteriorating. I picture terrible things happening.

At the Mexican food restaurant yesterday, Royal kept pointing to a Christmas light that was off, saying “off… off… off.”

I’ve been playing a car game, and I don’t achieve anything.

Egg poured out over the bottom of my backpack.

I had a realization that where I am, in time, is the most special and important facet of my life. If I’m not in a place that is comforting or reassuring, my family is likely not in a place that is comforting and reassuring.

Woke up late last night and checked the score of a football game. Spent the next two hours trying to fall asleep. Wish I worked with paper more. Paper feels alien to me.

Cut my hair with a hair trimmer on the wooden steps in our backyard, next to our room.

Water was trapped in a tiny pocket between my wedding ring and my finger, causing a patch of my finger to swell-up and turn red.

No longer eat farmed beef or chicken or pork. Eel gave me terrible gas.

Went through the past few weeks of mail. Downloaded some things onto my phone.

Have had a sore throat, and have not taken medicine. The weather has been colder.

Spend less time looking out of the window upstairs. Wish I played more records. I’m sorry.

I don’t know that there is much I care about outside of my home anymore. I made a hole larger in the wall behind the television, so I could attach a wall plate to the coaxial cable protruding from the wall, and fit that cable back into the wall. I used a hammer and a flat-head screwdriver to chisel at the perameter of the hole, and slowly it got larger. I felt like I had to radically alter the size of the hole for the end of the coaxial cable to fit back into the wall. There is still a slight bulge.

We went to Missouri City in our car. We almost ate at TGI Fridays.

We rode bikes to the liquor store, and I bought expensive tequila.

The roads are a lot larger in Missouri City, and there are a lot more people on the road. I pissed a minivan off and felt okay about it. There are lots of brick walls circling subdivisions. Many man-made lakes with houses and restaurants on them.

Rarely go more than a day without a mosquito bite on my ankle.

Might go to the home improvement store today. I’m looking forward to installing more storage.

Remembered the trash this morning.

Traded a war game for a car game.

I felt really awkward peeing in a Starbucks without buying anything.

A phone technician walked into the house on Friday and commented on the painting in the living room. I thought it was a compliment for a few seconds, but it was not a compliment.

Feel like I would have made a good Native American. My children are 1/16 Native American.

I have over twelve sleeping positions, but maybe only three I can actually go to sleep in. I have two pillows, one regular-sized pillow and one king-sized pillow. I’ll try to go to sleep on either my left or right side with the king-sized or regular-sized pillow between my legs, and opposite pillow underneath my head. I’ll lay flat on my back with the regular-sized pillow under my head, and the king-sized pillow under my legs, or off of the bed and my legs flat. I can lay flat on my back with both pillows under my head, or on my left or right side. Sometimes I hug the king-sized pillow (on either side) and lay face-down on the regular-sized pillow, sleeping on my stomach with my leg slightly out to the right or left. I usually try no pillows, unsuccessfully. Every position gets tried over the course of the night, until I fall asleep in one of them. Usually, I fall asleep on my stomach.

Really like tennis balls.

Ate seafood last night. It’s easy to forget how good seafood is. I think we were one of two tables of white people in the restaurant. Drank special holiday beer.

Rode in a small car and didn’t feel awkward. Sat in a room, and looked at the room for a little while. It had green carpet.

There were lots of large sculptures and some people I know.

Rarely use the phone part of my phone.

Tried walking around in the backyard, but the mosquitos bit my ankles. I feel no remorse when I kill a mosquito.

Bounced my daughter in her seat while I did the dishes and watched a football game I had no interest in. Earlier, I put leg warmers on her. Children are quick to identify the face as a focal point.

Later, I might order food. Would like to make my bed.

Turned on the sprinkler, even though it might rain.

Have eaten meatloaf four times in the past week.

Wear flannel a lot, even though it’s not really cold.

Took all of our DVDs out of their cases and put them into a DVD portfolio. I alphabetized all of our DVDs, and took all of the paper waste out of the DVD cases to be recycled. I packed all of the blank DVD boxes into a cardboard box.

Listen to a lot of dance music. After I drink a lot of caffeine, I will sit in front of my computer and make the dance music play loud.

Got new shoes in the mail. Ate cereal this morning, which improved my quality of life.

Maybe I’ll put gas in the family car today.

I caught myself with my shin, I almost fell off of the roof and onto my wife.

Randomly, I decided it was time to trim the bushes on the side of the house.

I had pizza twice in one weekend. I cut my leg.

When I was on the roof, installing an outdoor antenna, I felt vulnerable, like I would fall off of the roof and disappoint my children.

Later we walked to a party, and I danced with my son. When it got late, we sat together in front of an outdoor fire pit.

It is hard for me to explain my family to other people with families. Every time I talk about them, I feel like a cliche that is expanding quickly, like a burrito in an unbroken plastic wrapper in a microwave. Or what I imagine a burrito in an unbroken plastic wrapper in a microwave is like. I always take it out of the wrapper. I eat Amy’s Organic Burritos, and watch a lot of television.

It was hard to reach the bushes closest to my house, and I think they’re a little uneven.

I rode my bike to Radio Shack and had a conversation with a taxi cab driver about antennas.

Later, I plan on returning the outdoor antenna, and buying an outlet cover to cover an outlet in the living room.