“Microsoft has had clear competitors in the past. It’s a good thing we have museums to document that. It’s also a good thing I own those museums and the people who work in them, and we can take the list of those competitors and ‘accidently’ throw it away with a half-eaten ham sandwich, maybe spill a Diet Barq’s on it or something… Man, my balls itch. SAY! I got five on that bottle of gin, better put that shit down. Damn.” -Speech at Computer History Museum, InfoWorld magazine, October 2001
“The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers. I mean, DAMN. Now go-on, get me a soda, bitch.” -The Road Ahead, pg. 265
“If you show people the problems and you show people the solutions they will be moved to act. It’s also pretty funny to stretch your scrotum across your leg and show them that. I call it ‘gum.’ See?” -Live8
“As long as they are going to steal it [software], we want them to steal ours. They’ll get sort of addicted, and then we’ll somehow figure out how to collect sometime in the next decade. It’s how I used to handle my shit on the avenue, that pimp shit– the pussy is never free. Now go-on, get me a soda, bitch.” -Speech at the University of Washington, as reported by News.com, 1998
“There are people who don’t like capitalism, and people who don’t like PCs. But there’s no one who likes the PC who doesn’t like Microsoft. Except for maybe the elderly. And gays, I think. Anyway, I’m going to go swim in virgin blood now, and eat like a whole bucket of fried chicken. Shit is the bomb.” -Attributed