The breaking news is that Jennifer Aniston, star of controversial motion pictures such as Rock Star and Along Came Polly, is shocking the world, again. The former star wife of the ever important superstar Brad Pitt, is, and you heard it here almost first, almost topless on the cover of the newest GQ.
She joins a select group of stars these days that are way into almost showing their goods and teasing every man into a Parisian rage, nearly reducing America into a French state. And I mean, honestly here, what would happen if we could almost see her bush, or almost see a butt cheek or something. Could you imagine if she actually slipped a little pink out? A NIPPLE? That could lead to, like, riots in the CVS and week-long fires in the magazine aisle of your local grocery store. Something like that could lead to mini-van fires in the suburb streets of Canton, Ohio.
A nipple, in short, would rock our fragile nation to its knees. And I’m scared. I’m scared because who knows what Tea Leoni will do if she’s given a Cosmo cover? Who knows what will happen if Christina Applegate splashes those puppies in blind fury all over the front of Maxim? What then?
I ask you, what then?