i get angry when i am rejected by publications, especially when the person rejecting me pretends to care. i think this is because i reject people, and i know what it feels like to do that, to know ‘better’. i also realize i don’t know ‘better’. i barely know ‘tolerable’. when an editor rejects you and says ‘we get lots of good material, and we have to consider the merits of it all’, or some shit like that, they are full of shit. if you are a smallish publication, you don’t receive very much interesting work. i know. also, i’m probably mad because i wouldn’t publish my own poetry. also, if you are getting an mfa, you are making shitty work. i am sorry.
i know when i feel okay reading something, and i rarely get that feeling. i know when i’m comfortable. i’m comfortable reading the word ‘shit’ written twenty times in a row. i’m comfortable writing this blog entry.
here is a list of three personal things i am comfortable doing daily. if i can do the following three things every day of my life, i will be, for the most part, comfortable.
1. working on things – i like working on things. i usually have lots of projects going on. i am not the hardest worker ever, but i like work. i like doing things and supporting things i enjoy. i also like talking to people about work, which, i guess, includes talking to people about art. i like being busy and concentrating on a single task.
2. eating good-tasting food – i like good ingredients. i wish restaurant food had less butter. i buy organic produce and like fish. i wish i went fishing more, but i usually only go once a year. i think this will change as i get older. i like how quiet you can be while fishing, and i like the memories i have of my grandfather and father fishing. i also like vegetables from my parents’ garden. if i could just eat my own fish and have my own garden, i would be happy and feel good all of the time.
3. shitting – i like taking a shit. it’s the only regular time i get to make something meaningful to only myself. i also like reading things on the toilet. shitting is my favorite self-indulgent and necessary activity. i am proud of my shitting.
i am hopeful that one day i will be able to concentrate on these three things and my family, and nothing else. if i can focus all of my time on these things and my family, i will die satisfied and comfortable.