i blame my historically shitty play at table tennis on the fact that my brother and father are better than i am, and i refuse to lower my self-esteem by losing to them, in anything, repeatedly.
this is why i don’t play them in table tennis or foosball. or any other latently athletic sport for that matter.
i try to live life on the theory that if i am not good at something, then i should probably stop doing it. especially if a family member can easily destroy me at said thing, consequently wrecking my precious interior by gloating.
most things end like foosball. most things i give up on and never play. most things, unless, of course, said thing is made into an awesome video game for xbox 360.
if this is the case, if an awesome video game is made, my video game mastery becomes the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, one that in real life i would never dare to attempt, but in video game form, i am more than willing to take a little humiliation for eventual pride.
thanks to xbox 360, in two short days table tennis by rockstar has allowed me to become every bit the table tennis star i have always dreamt of being.
fuck people who say video games take a person nowhere. i’m a table fucking tennis master. i can slam a french motherfucker in the face with some nasty topspin now, bitches. peep me.
last night, i was like john mcenroe facing bjorn borg in 1981 at wimbledon.
except, instead of bjorn borg, i was playing a french computer opponent named luc.
and instead of tennis racquets, both players had tiny computer-rendered paddles.
and instead of wimbledon, it was an exhibition match set on the easiest setting.
also, when mcenroe went up 5-4 in the final set, he pushed pause to go fold his colors and put his whites in. it was awesome.
i’ll school anyone if it is their first time playing. you know where i live, you know my gamer tag on xbox live, so bring it bitch.
if you come to this house, i’ll be sure to make us some veggie dog sandwiches with extra bread – to sop up those baby tears.
i’m the motherfucking table shit. my shit is fly with all sorts of fly table shit. no one can fuck with this hype shit. my table is phat. i’m the bomb-ass bomb-face paddle motherfucker.
bring it, pussy.