Ben is a lonely man who likes children. At night, he likes to walk out underneath the stars, and count the number of cars that drive past him on his street. He does not consider himself in any way odd, even though, as I mentioned before, he is a lonely man who likes children and counts random cars at night. He thinks nothing of this. Sometimes he even thinks it is admirable, these things. I don’t, but he does.
Jerry is Ben’s neighbor. He hates children and loves money. Jerry loves money so much, that in his most intimate moments with his wife, he thinks of mutual funds. He tries not to, but he just can’t get-off to other things, like boobs or vagina. Also, unlike Ben, Jerry hates walking. He bought a Segway the day they came out, after seeing it on the Today show. He’s a little fat, so after Al Roker rode it around in front of that stupid window, he could feel the need for such a scooter building inside him. Ridiculous, but whatever. People who get-off to money have problems.
I realize I wrote about Ben & Jerry in the present tense, but now I feel like killing them. They died in a horrible Slip-N-Slide accident. It was all over the national news, with pictures. Pornographic pictures. I’ve got no clue where I’m going with this.
Anyway, after their deaths, no one, not even Jerry’s wife, cared to donate money to charity or put a placard up, or name a dog or a hamster or a lawnmower after them. No one cared, because most people don’t care about boring old men, even if they die on the news. But 789 miles away, in a rural Vermont hippie commune ruled by a giant weed leaf and a smelly old tie-dye shirt, the great hippie warrior Bill Walton had a vision of these two men, swirled across the bleeding sky of too much LSD and vegetable burritos and his TV. He was going to make a drug that appealed old boring men for centuries to come, like coffee and pornography before. He was going to make some motherfucking crazy ice cream.
And he did. And now they’re opening up in my lobby, and I’m going to gain fifty pounds. I hate Bill Walton.